I really don’t remember hating The Blair Witch Project so much the first time around.
Why did I watch this again? I guess it is true that you erase bad memories from your brain, but I really don’t remember hating The Blair Witch Project so much the first time around. I even went to the movies to see it when it came out in 1999, I think the reason was mainly because the found footage genre was basically new for my generation and a little part of me hoped these three idiots really did get lost in the woods somewhere in America.
I didn’t say die because to this day we have not clue what happened to them, since this movie doesn’t have a proper ending, hell, it doesn’t even have some kind of climax.
In fact I can sum up the whole plot in a couple of lines: three people get in the woods looking for the legendary Witch of Blair and they get lost because they don’t know how to use a compass or read a map.
That’s it – literally. The film is all about them filming piles of rocks and trees. At the end they finally get to a creepy abandoned house, but do not worry, nothing will happen there either, after a few screams (Dan said they were screams, to me it sounded like the foxes outside our house having sex or fighting, whatever they do, every night) the cameras drop and the credits roll.
I couldn’t even feel any kind of sympathy for the three protagonists. Within the first five minutes I already had enough of Heather’s voice and I couldn't wait for her to die a horrible death, which unfortunately will never come, at least not on camera.
If I have to rely to my own imagination for entertainment what the fuck is the point of a MOTION PICTURE? Dude #1 Mike starts off as a cry baby and I was just praying for him to fall in the river when he was crossing it – surprisingly he becomes the one that tries to keep the group together, but by that stage is too little too late and I'm still hoping for him to fall while he’s running away from ‘voices and steps’ in the night and cracks his head open on one of the omnipresent rocks.
Dude #2 Josh is in the beginning the normal one of the bunch, but deprived of smokes make him a colossal asshole and I praised Jeebers as soon as his sorry ass was gone. I mean, I couldn’t stand Heather from the start but he was just being a straight up douchebag to her, after all she was in the same situation as everyone, there’s no need to make her feel like a bigger piece of shit just because the documentary was her idea and she was the one that got them lost... Ok, maybe she did deserve some of the abuse.
I was actually pretty hyped about the new Blair Witch exactly up until last night, and now I really couldn’t care less about it. I might watch it when it comes out on DVD some day I feel the need to punish myself because I eat too much chocolate or if need to punish Dan for not having done the dishes properly.
I mean, if you are mad into walking in a plain boring looking forests (not even a cool one like Aokigahara) you probably find it orgasmic. If you love looking at rocks and sticks this is the movie for you.
For me The Blair Witch Project just did absolutely nothing... I lie. The scene when Heather apologise to all the mothers (because fathers don’t count two shits) still made me cry in disgust when she eats rivers of her own snot, but come on! That cannot be the highlight of a movie! What’s the most memorable scene of the new one gonna be like? Some dude scratches his ass and then smells it?